As I sit right now my sweet 2 almost 3 year old is needing to be in my lap, drinking my water, and generally needs my attention.

My house is destroyed.  My laundry needs folding.  Newly discovered mulberries are squished into my floors.  5 chickens have taken up residence on my back doormat, making this their new bathroom.

I\’m working on birth sessions, maternity sessions, videos and logo designs.

I had 4 babies born this week.  3 I assisted on, 1 I photographed.

Girls camp.

I\’m contemplating a video workshop.  I want to do one.  But would my time be more valuably spent on putting together a childbirth education curriculum?  Do people even trust that I know anything about anything if I\’m spending my days learning everything I can about 2 totally opposite professions?

WHEW.  Just made it to the potty in time.  SOMEONE doesn’t like going to the other end of the house by herself and knows if she uses the magic word POTTY!! I\’ll run her to the bathroom.

I digress.

I\’m not juggling well.

And I know it’s the 4 births in one week thing that’s making it hard.  Lack of sleep for this long starts to make a lot of things hard.  My body is really REALLY trying hard to slow me down by being all sore and hurty too.  I should probably listen to it but there is just so.much.to.do.

I\’m really trying to be smart about this.  I need to drop a ball or two.  I thought for sure that one or another would stand out to me as the obvious choice and the deeper and more time I spend on every one of these pursuits the more I love them and want to do more…motherhood included.  I want to mother.  I want to birth.  I want to photo, to design and to video.  If I let any of these balloons go-they float away.

Cyndi only does this for so much longer…and I love her so much I don’t want to miss any of the time I can get learning from her and working with her.

Photo/Video/Design is always changing, always new and I\’ve watched older photogs try to come out of retirement and start over.  It’s sad.

But most importantly…this is it with the children.  They expire.  They grow.  I get them now and not later.  I\’m fighting the good fight to keep them close and smother them with me…but will I ever feel like its enough even if it is??

I know I wouldn’t.  So I can’t even gauge if I should be doing anything other than smother them.

I\’m gonna go lay down and read some more about Montessori.