We got to see Mr Fox again today and it was fantastic. My anxiety is always really high because I worry about if my babies can survive these pregnancies that I go through…because sometimes I don’t think I\’m going to survive them. He looks incredibly healthy and happy and has been very active lately with all of his new found space (for some reason he seems to have just left my pelvis in the last week and is happily bouncing around).
I seem to be answering the same two questions:
Are you still sick?
Yes, but the medication is doing a pretty good job controlling it. I just can’t seem to get over the exhaustion. We went to Salt Lake for the weekend and I thought I was doing sooo good…I\’m still recovering from the trip 4 days later!
When are you due again?
Not until early January, but I\’ve measured ahead since the beginning soooooo….just don’t let me get my hopes too high that this baby comes early. I\’d really love to have him in December purely for insurance reasons so I\’m very curious to see how it all plays out.
Once I answer this question the follow up is a comment about how huge I am. It doesn’t bother me with my close friends…it’s more the acquaintances that bother me. I\’m not sure what to make of this-I\’m definitely \’bigger-looking\’ this time than I was with my girls, but you guys-I\’m so happy to be big! It means food is staying in my body! It’s starting to give me a complex because I\’m not even back up to my pre-pregnancy weight yet. Jon keeps rolling his eyes and telling me to chill and enjoy being chubby. The bowl of caramel popcorn in front of me says that ultimately, I am.
And food. We’re still figuring out our relationship. I couldn’t get near meat with my first two pregnancies and I LOVE IT with this one. I think I would eat a double-double from In\’n\’Out every single day if I could. I love the side effects of soda but I still think it tastes too syrupy AND I\’m overwhelmed with guilt if I drink it too much…but I would drink it every day if I could too! I\’m just beginning to stomach veggies…I feel like I\’ve been all over the map with my tastebuds and it has 100% disrupted our routines. I struggle to make meal plans and have a hard time ordering at restaurants (I\’ve gone out a few times, ordered, and been completely unable to eat what they brought. So frustrating). I\’m a food-lover so being restricted is breaking my heart…but I think it’s improving every week.
Pregnancy really makes me anxious. Will this baby be the same as my others or completely different? What if the birth is hard? What if I have new breastfeeding struggles? What if he has colic or hates sleeping? Will I heal from all of this? Will my body be ok? Will having a baby be as difficult as it was the first two times?
It also pulls me into motherhood like nothing else. I have been in a very sweet season with my girls. I love seeing their little personalities blooming more and more every day, I love spending one on one time talking to them about their days and their lives and their questions and I love feeling so content with them as a Mother. I spent the first 4 years of motherhood convinced I was going to completely screw them up, I had no idea how to discipline (I was raised a little differently than I\’d like to raise my own children) and Paisley had a the worst year of her life right after I had Stella and I spent many days feeling like I was drowning. Is having this baby going to completely alter my current children again?
Will we even be able to afford this? We traded our Scion in last year for a sweet Mazda 5 only to find out that a rear-facing infant seat doesn’t really fit in the captain chairs. Seriously. So we’re full-size mini van shopping. And the medical bills are just rolling in. And I haven’t even had the baby yet. Oh yeah, and Christmas.
I don’t know if I have true pregnancy insomnia or just anxiety because it is all of this madness that keeps me up at night (and so, so much more). I just have to trust that we\’ve made it this far, we\’ve survived all of that in the past, and we\’ll survive some more.
And seriously, look how cute he is!
I cannot even get over him hiding his face!!
He looks so much like Paisley…I wonder how accurate this will be!
Oh gosh, this brings back so many feels of my own pregnancy. I read recently “sometimes you just keep surviving until you start living again.” If this is a “surviving” season for you, just keep doing what you’re doing, sweet mama. Living is just right around the bend. So glad to hear all the tender mercies popping up around you!
xoxo