The fourth trimester is such an interesting haze. I hate how my brain so quickly fogs my pregnancies-it’s like I’m left traumatized but can’t fully remember why. I feel like I just woke up from a year-long coma…2016 didn’t really happen for me and the little bit that did doesn’t seem real-or seems so real that I’m scared to remember it.
I suffered postpartum anxiety with both of my girls and this time I gave myself permission for things to be different. I’m not being as rigid with myself or with Fox. With my girls I kept myself on a tight schedule with an early bedtime and “rules.” I rarely allowed myself to nurse laying down, I meticulously logged when my girls nursed and for how long, I obsessed over constantly changing their diapers and I put a lot of pressure on myself to get everything “back to normal.”
I’ve been in bed for so long I don’t know what normal looks like anymore. I can’t resume my life of being on call 24/7, travelling and doing all that I was before pregnancy BUT I’m hopefully on my way to getting up and out of bed and living more than I was. It’s weird rebuilding from scratch with 3 kids and a completely worn out body. What is normal going to be for us in 2017?
My Resolution for this year is to heal. I’ve lost much of my muscle mass and I’m still anemic and my body is going to need some serious love and attention this year. I’ve started with focusing on healing foods (I can eat pretty much everything again, yaaaaaayyyyy!!) and I’m hoping to work up to yoga soon. I’m also working on my mental health. I’m so grateful that my girls are a little older and have become used to being independent because it means I can focus a little bit on selfcare.
I’m feeling a lot of pressure as a mother of three that I have THREE kids and I need to make sure I’m connecting with each one daily. So far my girls seem to be taking things really well. Paisley is fairly comfortable being a big sister. Stella has mentioned once or twice casually that she doesn’t want Fox but she continues to love on him and hasn’t displayed any animosity towards him. I’m just a little paranoid because the transition for Paisley when we had Stella was great initially and then turned into a very rough year. Any suggestions from you Mamas out there?
Lastly, this fourth trimester has been hard because I know it’s my last. I’m constantly battling in my mind if I’m enjoying it enough, am I soaking it all in? I’m so glad to know I never have to go through it all again…but just because I hate pregnancy doesn’t mean I hate creating life. I love receiving these babies straight from heaven and snuggling their soft velvet skin and smelling their fuzzy heads. The finality of it all is breaking my heart.
Here’s to a year of rest, rebuilding and healing!