I’m tired. I feel like when I say it, it should have some weight to it. This “I’m tired” is coming from someone that regularly used to work all night, sometimes for days at a time with no notice, so when I say it, it’s somehow more valid, right? I’m tired.
Right now it is 6:30 in the morning. I went to bed later than I should, woke up for the first feeding at 2:30 and could not fall asleep after that. I finally gave up and came out here to write and I have no idea how I’m going to recover those lost hours of sleep. It’s not even his fault I’m tired all of the time-my brain won’t shut down!
This last pregnancy has left me completely dilapidated. My body aches and I’m still very weak. I’m also HUNGRY. I can’t even explain this hunger-I can’t decide if my brain is broken from going through a period of famine or if I am truly hungry because I just need the calories. It’s probably both. A week postpartum I weighed 15 lbs less than my pre-pregnancy weight. I have gained back 10 of those pounds probably specifically from my current love of donuts. And I know that I need to be patient with this poor body of mine and let it heal…I’m just not sure how to go about it.
Along with the donuts I’ve been doing a TON of supplements, green smoothies and protein so I really am trying to take care of myself but I just don’t feel like saying no to donuts. Because I’m hungry and I’m tired. And I didn’t like food for 9 months, so just let me have this, ok?
SEE MORE: POSTPARTUM, MOURNING & RESOLUTIONS
Breastfeeding is hard. It will begin to ease up a little and then he’ll go through a growth spurt and we’re back to cluster feeding. The saddest part is that he’s not even really up that much at night, and he’s a quick eater. I just can’t seem to hack it this time. I feel so weak because I know so many mothers that have much more difficult babies than I do and I can barely seem to handle what I have. I have to remind myself that it’s usually smooth sailing from 4 months on for me…but I can’t get there fast enough.
And then there’s the mom guilt of that-I shouldn’t want to rush this! I should be so happy! I have a new baby to snuggle, fresh from heaven. I shouldn’t want to hurry up his little life and existence because I’m tired.
The highs and lows of this season are such a whirlwind. As soon as he smiles at me everything is wonderful. The sleepless nights immediately don’t matter and when I’m away from him I miss him terribly. As I write this I just want to go gather him up in my arms and smell him and his sweetness.
I have to remind myself that I’ve never once looked at my girls and wished they were newborns again. Not because I didn’t enjoy them then, but because I’ve loved them in every phase as they’ve grown. And I think it’s always been easier not to wish that because there was always the thought of more children to quiet it. This time there is no more children so I need to somehow savor every.single.thing.to.the.max.
The pressure on this entire situation adds an extra ounce of crazy because I know it’s the last. Am I carpeing the diem enough this time??
This is the part where I’m supposed to wrap this post up with a bow and say a bunch of stuff about it all being worth it and it’s all going to work out and…you guys, I’m just so tired.
And I mean, he’s totally worth it.