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THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF THE NEWBORN SEASON

April Davis Blog-3

I’m tired.  I feel like when I say it, it should have some weight to it.  This “I’m tired” is coming from someone that regularly used to work all night, sometimes for days at a time with no notice, so when I say it, it’s somehow more valid, right?  I’m tired.

Right now it is 6:30 in the morning.  I went to bed later than I should, woke up for the first feeding at 2:30 and could not fall asleep after that.  I finally gave up and came out here to write and I have no idea how I’m going to recover those lost hours of sleep.  It’s not even his fault I’m tired all of the time-my brain won’t shut down!

This last pregnancy has left me completely dilapidated.  My body aches and I’m still very weak.  I’m also HUNGRY.  I can’t even explain this hunger-I can’t decide if my brain is broken from going through a period of famine or if I am truly hungry because I just need the calories.  It’s probably both.  A week postpartum I weighed 15 lbs less than my pre-pregnancy weight.  I have gained back 10 of those pounds probably specifically from my current love of donuts.  And I know that I need to be patient with this poor body of mine and let it heal…I’m just not sure how to go about it.

Along with the donuts I’ve been doing a TON of supplements, green smoothies and protein so I really am trying to take care of myself but I just don’t feel like saying no to donuts.  Because I’m hungry and I’m tired.  And I didn’t like food for 9 months, so just let me have this, ok?

SEE MORE: POSTPARTUM, MOURNING & RESOLUTIONS

Breastfeeding is hard.  It will begin to ease up a little and then he’ll go through a growth spurt and we’re back to cluster feeding.  The saddest part is that he’s not even really up that much at night, and he’s a quick eater.  I just can’t seem to hack it this time.  I feel so weak because I know so many mothers that have much more difficult babies than I do and I can barely seem to handle what I have.  I have to remind myself that it’s usually smooth sailing from 4 months on for me…but I can’t get there fast enough.

And then there’s the mom guilt of that-I shouldn’t want to rush this!  I should be so happy!  I have a new baby to snuggle, fresh from heaven.  I shouldn’t want to hurry up his little life and existence because I’m tired.

The highs and lows of this season are such a whirlwind.  As soon as he smiles at me everything is wonderful.  The sleepless nights immediately don’t matter and when I’m away from him I miss him terribly.  As I write this I just want to go gather him up in my arms and smell him and his sweetness.

I have to remind myself that I’ve never once looked at my girls and wished they were newborns again.  Not because I didn’t enjoy them then, but because I’ve loved them in every phase as they’ve grown.  And I think it’s always been easier not to wish that because there was always the thought of more children to quiet it.  This time there is no more children so I need to somehow savor every.single.thing.to.the.max.

The pressure on this entire situation adds an extra ounce of crazy because I know it’s the last.    Am I carpeing the diem enough this time??

This is the part where I’m supposed to wrap this post up with a bow and say a bunch of stuff about it all being worth it and it’s all going to work out and…you guys, I’m just so tired.

And I mean, he’s totally worth it.

April Davis Blog

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